The X Files: The Complete Series
by Fred Pickles
Summary: A humorparody version of "X-Files" updated in the same way a TV series is, with Episode One, Episode Two, etc.
1. Default Chapter

The X-Files, Episode One _Written by Fred Pickles_

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files television series. I completely understand that. It is the property of somebody with a lot more money then me.

**Mulder shifted around in his chair uncomfortably. He knew this was the first episode of what was hoped to be a smash hit. And he also knew he wasn't doing anything interesting. **

**He dialed the number of the producer.**

**"Hello?" He questioned with an annoyed voice. When no answer came, he threw the phone out of the window, causing various noises of broken glass.**

**_"That was probably part of this dreaded TV show" _Mulder thought, irritated. _"Right now, I'm probably doing exactly what their stupid TV script wants me to do."_**

**He was right about that. **

**"Hey!" Mulder said in a stupid tone, "I know why the phone didn't work! It's raining outside, and all the electronics are broken! Yep!"**

**"Cut!" Screamed a overjoyed director. "That was brilliant! I could _feel _your horror and shock when you realized that the phone didn't work because it was _raining!_"**

**"Look John," Mulder said, "Who wrote the script for this dreadful show?"**

**'John', the joyful director, looked around with pride, and turned to Mulder. His eyes gleaming, he said with excitement, "Me."**

**Mulder sighed. "Keep working on that script John", he said, "I'm going to grab a cup of coffee, and resign filming this show for the day."**

**Mulder paced out the room, and managed to drive his car to Starbucks. He grabbed a cup of coffee, exactly what he said he'd do, and sat down to drink it slowly. The way he figured it, he could write a script much better then John's. **

**Mulder resigned from drinking his coffee when he noticed Frank, the cameraman for this X-Files series, pointing a camera at him, filming him drinking coffee for the show. **

**Mulder hadn't yet entirely read John's script, so he picked it up that Thursday night, and gave it a chance. Although he had high hopes for it getting better after the telephone part, it didn't. It simply consisted of Mulder walking around the room, and finding more electronics that didn't work due to the rain, from his computer, to a handheld Monopoly game with graphics probably created in the 80's. He groaned, knowing that a TV show, especially one that was fated to becoming a smash hit, was more of a person's future then a movie was. And so, Mulder was looking at a really crappy future.**

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**If you have made it to the bottom of the page, I know that you've _read _the story, but please _review_! –Also, a little bit of an addition to my disclaimer at the top of the page, I know that the director nor the cameraman are named either John or Frank. **

**Thanks for reading.**

**-Fred Pickles**


	2. Episode Two

**The X-Files, Episode Two**

**_Written by Fred Pickles_**

Disclaimer: Didn't I have a disclaimer on the first episode?

**Mulder returned to the set the next day, with a little something to shove in John's face.**

**"It's a script!" Mulder clearly expressed his thoughts of what the seventy-three pages of tiny text stapled together where that he had just thrown to John.**

**"But Mulder," John professionally complained, "I already wrote a script for the entire first ten seasons, and I'm the director."**

**"Who said I'm even _staying _for the first ten seasons?" Mulder commented.**

**"You're not, you're actually going to sign off somewhere in-between 2001 and 2002, but you're going to stay for the feature-length movies we'll be making of this picture."**

**"John, don't be making predictions of my future! It's only -" _(Mulder checked his watch_) "- 1993! Anyway, whoever said you'll be directing for ten seasons! You idiot, I might be directing by then. I won't want to use you're crappy script. Look what happened to the first episode when we used it!"**

**"Exactly," John muttered, glancing at the TV section in the newspaper, "The ratings topped the chart."**

**Mulder peeked at the paper, but saw nothing for his perspective.**

**"What chart?" He asked curiously – he'd been wondering this all his life -. **

**"I'm not sure, it's just a saying."**

**Two seconds later, it was decided that filming of the second episode should probably begin taking place, for a couple of reasons. The film containing the second episode was to be collecting by Monday morning, which was no less then 24 hours away. Because neither of the two would accept using the other's script, it was also decided that there would be no script.**

**So, Mulder spent the episode looking thoroughly around the TV show's set for a script that didn't seem to exist. With eerie music, and an appearance from John, the director, which was filmed for the hopeful purpose of spooking their TV audience with his horrible acting, the test screening was a hit, and so was the Monday night airing of the show.**

**Mulder was beginning to realize that the first two episode's of this show only contained him deciding that if it rained too hard, most electronics broke down, and that this show was so horrid, he couldn't find a script, even with a spooky guest appearance from their idiotic director.**

**Mulder also thought that day of changing his name, moving to Canada, even if it involved treacherous hitchhiking, and starting a new career.**


End file.
